Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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