Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
