Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
