Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
