I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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