Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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