i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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