I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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