I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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