Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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