pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
