Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
