Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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