Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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