Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
