the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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