I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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