Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So squirting runs in the family.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
