How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
