No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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