Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
