so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
