There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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