Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
