So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
