Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
