we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The power of my boobs compel you
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
