There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
