In the future we'll all be gay
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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