i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
