quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
