my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
