I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
