I accidentally burped into my bong.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
