I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
