I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
