Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
