He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
