I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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