I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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