Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
