remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
