I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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