i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
