I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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