Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
