you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You may now shotgun with the bride
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
