dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
