I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
