I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
