i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
