im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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