fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
