my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
