Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
