i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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