drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
