Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
